How To Shift From Criticism To Compassion: Tackling Negative Sentiment Override
What is Negative Sentiment Override?
Negative sentiment override is a detrimental dynamic that can occur in all types of relationships. Over time, negative sentiment override can cause you to view your partner, your relationship, and the future with your romantic partner in a pessimistic, critical, and negative light. Negative sentiment override is like a biased negative filter whereby one or both partners interpret their partner's actions, intentions, and behaviors in a critical and bleak way. Fundamentally, it's like having a default setting where your negative perceptions override all the positive ones.
This can lead to a persistent sense of disappointment, criticism, and difficulty in resolving conflicts. What you used to find cute or quirky about your partner is now read as rude, selfish, or cold. You see not just one or two of their actions in this critical light, you start to see most or sometimes all their actions in the negative sense. In negative sentiment override, even positive gestures or actions from your partner may be judged or interpreted destructively. It can drastically damage the quality of the relationship and make it challenging to feel safety, connection, trust, and intimacy.
Dr. John Gottman is a psychologist and researcher, well known for his lifelong work on relationships and relationship research. In his research, he found that the couples that were in distress were most often the ones in a state of negative sentiment override, and sadly, that unless they could change the negative perspective, that it would statistically be more likely to result in the end of the relationship.
What Causes Negative Sentiment Override?
It is often the cumulative effect over time of feeling alone, unappreciated, disrespected, unloved, unwanted, and unheard. In therapy, we often find it can be exacerbated by events in the past where emotional safety or trust were damaged, emotional hurt was disregarded and conflicts were not adequately attended to and resolved.
How Do I Get Out Of Negative Sentiment Override?
When you are in a more positive perspective, your conflicts don’t seem as catastrophic, and you are able to recognise your partner's endearing and appealing attributes. You can view your partner and your relationship in a warmer and more compassionate way.
TURNING TOWARDS EACH OTHER
In every relationship we use small, sometimes ambiguous, behaviours as ‘bids for connection’. They are the little ways you can respond to your partner who is trying to engage and connect with you. The tricky thing is they can be so subtle you might miss them if you don’t know what to look for. Bids for your connection can be little gestures like asking about your day, wanting to tell you about a news article, requesting a hug, glancing over at you, asking if you’d like a cup of tea or seeking your advice on a topic. By accepting their bid for connection and choosing to turn towards them (sometimes literally turning towards them, and sometimes just symbolically), we communicate the message of “You are important to me”, “You matter to me”, “I care about us”. We might put our phone down, turn the TV volume on mute, pause what we’re doing for a few seconds and listen/hug/nod/acknowledge. Just as the bid for your connection can be subtle so can our response. But any response is far more impactful than no response or worse yet a ‘turn away’ or rejection of the bid for connection. As you can imagine, over time these rejected bids for connection cause hurt and can result in a negative sentiment override of the relationship.
ACCEPTING INFLUENCE FROM EACH OTHER
As discussed in MM’s blog last month, Gottman’s research shows us that partners who can accept influence from each other are far better at managing their conflict and therefore tend to have a more optimistic view of their relationship. Working on compromising, actively and genuinely listening, and having a “we” focus instead of a “me” focus can help you and your partner get out of a negatively filtered relationship perspective. Feeling heard, respected and understood by our partners is one of the best predictors for a relationship that lasts the distance and feels positive, hopeful and rewarding.
BUILDING YOUR LOVE MAPS
Love maps represent how much we know about, and feel known by, our partner. Learning about our partner’s dislikes, likes, and their values helps us to create a positive picture of them in our hearts. By understanding what makes them tick, why they like to do certain things a certain way, understanding their inner world and non-judgmentally noticing their quirks or vulnerabilities it helps us to view their behaviours more neutrally and maybe even positively. As well as this, feeling accepted and known by our partner makes us feel more positive and optimistic about our partner and the future of the relationship.
VOICE YOUR FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION
Try to be intentional about holding an overall positive regard for your partner. Consciously trying to see them in a positive light. See their attempts to help the relationship - albeit sometimes frustratingly and humourously misguided. You might choose to share your appreciation for their daily menial tasks, think or journal about your relationship strengths and mini victories, or maybe reminisce together on funny or loving memories about what helped you to fall in love with each other. Voicing and recognising your fondness and admiration for each other assists with a balanced, compassionate, and warm perspective.
LISTEN TO TRULY HEAR
Your partner’s wounds from the past can become their negative biased filter in the present through which they view you and the future of the relationship. Try to gently talk about these past events and ‘relationship wounds’ so that your partner can feel heard and healed. Your partner’s feelings are your focus and truly hearing their vulnerability versus listening with a hyper logical and rational ear will help to heal any hurt. Attempt to accept any responsibility for hurt you may have unwittingly caused in the past, reminding them that while that was not your intention, you can hear how hurt they were. Aim to heal their hurt with your empathy, your non-defensiveness and your care and compassion for them.
As destructive as negative sentiment override can be for relationships, as you can see with some small behavioural changes, conscious decision making and balanced perspective taking, it truly is possible to turn a negative filter into a warm and compassion viewpoint. As always if you would like to discuss any of these concepts with our MM team please don’t hesitate to reach out.